The girl to the left of us looks far too young to be in this place. She really couldn't be more than 17 years old. She is extraordinarily thin, and tall as well. Her hair is light brown and has natural blond highlights to it, and had it been arranged differently it would have been the envy of every woman in that office. But as it is it hung in straight, slightly greasy curtains over her shoulders.
She looks devastatingly embarrassed to be here. This is a obstetrical office only, no routine gynecological checkups. So this poor young girl has to be pregnant. She wears a blue shirt over her girlish chest it reads: National Junior Honor Society. Jr High? or perhaps it's an old shirt. Either way tragically young.
But her mother sits with her. They look alike, except her mother has darker hair that hangs in slightly more stylish curtains over her shoulders. The embarrassment and public shame that is cast over the young girl's face isn't apparent on the new soon-to-be Grandmother's.
They call her back into the office. The embarrassment from this girl is contagious and spreads throughout the waiting room patrons, all of whom attempt not to be looking at her when she gets up.
5 comments:
This is kinda short. And I feel that it's not really going anywhere. But the major purpose of writing this is to try and convey the feeling that we all had sitting in the waiting room. I was there with my wife a few days ago.
Mmm okay. Now that I read your comment I am a can understand where you wanted to go with this. The observation right now just seems like a description of the sitting girl--no interactions. Is the interaction supposed to be of you and the entire office with this one girl? If so, more details as to what others did, how she physically reacted to others, etc.
There was a lot of assumption going on. The comment on NJHS shirt could be left out--we'd make our own assumptions based on the description.
Also, describe more thoroughly "embarrassment." How did she emit a sense of embarrassment?
I really wanted to know what she was doing that made her look so embarrassed and what made her mother look the opposite.
I liked the description at the end when you point out that the people don't look at her when she gets called. I think more descriptions like this one are needed.
I agree it's kind of short but the feelings are conveyed. Just curious to know more about the details of the environment. While there is this feeling of shame, was the office nice? Was it comfortable? Was there some kind of contrast of the environment vs. the feelings? I liked the description of the girls clothes and hair, what was the look on her face? Eyes down, no smile, nervously looking around, etc.? Good start, would like to see the revision.
Vivid!! I felt like I could close my eyes and feel the situation.
The vivid quality feels as though it is coming from several assumptions in the writing process. These colorful choices of words/phrases definitely draw me in to the story, but they do not allow me to see the situation unfettered by bias.
"looks devastatingly embarrassed, poor young girl, tragically young, embarrassment and public shame that is cast over the young girl's face," are all wonderfully descriptive phrases, but are they judgments/assumptions?
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